Misremembering
There’s a chapter I’m taking out of the manuscript (and thus the book) and reworking into an essay. It’s about my experiences with three different non-profits in the young adult cancer space. In the piece, I’m exploring the unique and isolating facets of rare cancer, identity and meaning, and what recovery feels like. I’ve been browsing through old photos albums, situating myself in time, as I write and revise. The story begins nearly 10 years ago, shortly after I finished treatment, following my diagnosis.
Memory is plastic, flexible, easily influenced by present day perspectives. We frequently update our recollections of the past as we retrospect on them. This dawned on me as I clicked through pictures. The dates when they were taken and shared were not as I’d remembered. I was so certain more time had elapsed between the end of treatment and the events I was describing in my writing. But the reality, the factual record, was at odds with my recall. And this changed the story.
Often, memoirs begin with a disclaimer of sorts - this is the story as I remember it. Mine will say something similar. Our brains do not function like security cameras recording to hard drives1. There is always a filter our memories pass through. Memory, as William Maxwell describes it, is “…a form of storytelling that goes on continually in the mind and often changes with the telling.”
As revision begins, I suspect the question that will be most challenging for me is ‘how do you remember feeling?’ The seeing and doing - action, places, people - these details are solid. But bringing to mind the inner space, the emotive part of my self, is hard work. Thankfully, I’ve had some practice of late sitting with ‘what were you feeling and why?’ I know I can do this well, but the effort and time required is significant.
Writing while remembering is an experience all its own and I continue to learn new things about myself - little revelations, truths that weren’t obvious before. I’m glad the picture helped correct my mistake, because I understand that past me better, which will help make this story more real.
Let’s talk subtitle
Every book needs a title and the decision has been made. My book will be called UNFLAPPABLE. Now we must decide on a subtitle, something that piques interest for a prospective reader, playing at a compelling story. My editor provided some helpful inputs and yesterday I did a mid-morning brainstorm. I’ve distilled down my list of 20 some ideas to 3 favorites. Which do you like the best?
The next three months will determine if my timeline for publication is achievable. Right now the top priorities are:
Finishing this essay (YA Cancer Perks is the working title)
Publishing it (here and hopefully elsewhere too)
Restructure the manuscript (in progress)
Begin revisions
If I can complete that final task by late July, along with the cover design, copy editing, promo strategy, and whatever else I haven’t thought of, I think I’ll be in a good position to have my book in print by August or September. I am so excited to share the essay, the book, and future books with you.
One of my favorite books - Mistakes Were Made, But Not By Me - is where I sourced the Maxwell quote. They cover this topic in their chapter “Memory, the Self-Justifying Historian”, explaining how our unreliable memories can do harm to others. The stories are harrowing, a useful reminder to approach accusations based solely on recollection with great care.
Words of wisdom and caution on how we tend to recreate our history in our minds.
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